On Making Marriage work

Shh... Be quiet. If you listen hard enough, you can hear the sound of a budding couple making it official for the first time. If you haven’t noticed, they’re everywhere. You don't have to look hard. It's happening all around you. And why wouldn't it? Getting together is what we do. It's our forte, our specialty, our particular area of interest. By the age of nine, young girls have already mastered the art of getting a boyfriend. (All I have to do is share my dessert with him and he's mine.) Little boys have another, more aggressive tactic for making their affections known. (All I have to do is push her down on the playground and she's mine.) Granted, the mode is a little different, but the purpose is all the same.

Fast forward ten years and not much has changed. Girls are still sharing their “dessert” to get the guy, and guys are still “pushing” girls into doing things that probably neither of them is ready for. And despite the many helpful things we learn about the opposite sex in that ten year span, the most important things are still outside of our understanding. The result is what we see everyday: Tons of people getting together, but few of them being able to keep it that way.

So why are relationships so hard? I’m not sure I have an answer for that question—If I did I would have taken it on Oprah and written a bestseller a long time ago—but I do have some suspicions.

The truth comes out at night
My BFF John Mayer once compared relationships to movies. He said that in the beginning of the relationship, you show all your blockbuster hits; but once the newness wears off and you get comfortable, you start showing your dollar bin flicks. Chris Rock made a similar comparison. He said when you first meet someone, you’re not really meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. I thought both of these were funny and true, because in the beginning of the relationship, it’s all about putting your best foot forward. I would like to say that I’m so comfortable with myself and so full of esteem that I have never had to try to impress a guy, but I prefer to be truthful with my readers. Before my husband and I were married, you couldn’t catch me in an outfit that wasn’t cute and meticulously planned. As far as he was concerned, I was gorgeous 24/7. Now, two years later, he knows gorgeous is not a constant reality but a painstaking creation. But it goes beyond looks. Most of the things you don’t like about the other person probably won't show up until some months, maybe even close to a year, into the relationship. Before that, you're either so in love that you don’t notice or the other person is able to keep certain things under wraps long enough to get you. So now, with everything exposed, after the eyeliner and heels have come off, after the bad habits and emotional baggage have come out, the real relationship begins.

Valuing the wrong things
It’s hard to make it work with a person that doesn’t have what you need. Ask a man what he wants in a woman. Most can rattle off the preferred body measurements and requirements for hair length; but few of them mention the non-aesthetic qualities that show how she’ll complement him as a man. Ask a woman what she wants in a man. We can recite, without hesitation, how much money he needs to have and what kind of car he should be driving. Little is said, though, about his spiritual, mental or personal development. Physical attributes and possessions are great. In fact, they’re a necessity. They aren’t, however, enough to establish anything lasting.

Lack of introspection
Couples argue, period. But during these arguments (or disagreements, for the more refined reader) both partners tend to blame the other. Blaming is easy. What’s harder is to take a critical look at yourself and see the role you play in the issue at hand. As angry as you may be, the other person probably isn’t always to blame. In fact, it may not even be about the other person at all. Sometimes, the things to which we react the most are the result of issues we subconsciously brought into the relationship from the start.

Unwillingness to compromise
Unless you found an officiant willing to marry you to yourself, you’re going to have to compromise in a relationship. There are certain things one should never have to compromise, but most other things are open for negotiation. It’s in your best interest to be willing. Look as long as you like, but no one is going to agree with everything you say. And if you have found someone that agrees with everything you say, beware. Everything may seem fine on the surface, but chances are they’re probably passive aggressive or they’ll eventually reach a breaking point and explode one day. Either way, you’re better off with someone who speaks their mind. True, compromise can be a pain, but it is also a sign of maturity and compassion, two things you definitely need in any relationship.

Unrealistic expectations
How many fairytales end “And they lived happily ever after?" Way too many. It’s cool when you’re 5, but when you’re in your 20’s and beyond, its just ridiculous. I don’t know what planet Snow White an’nem are from (that’s “and them” for anyone that just got lost) but here on Earth, it works a little differently. Around here, it’s more like “And they had to put in a whole lot of time, patience, prayer and dedication to live happily ever after, whatever that means.” Unfortunately, I think a lot of us don't know this. Many people, women especially, think marriage is going to fix things. It’ll all be better after we’re married, we tell ourselves. The truth is that it all gets worse after you’re married. Ok, so maybe worse isn’t the best word. I don’t want to sound pessimistic, but marriage does have a way of casting light on all the problems you tried to keep hidden and repressed. Marriage is nothing more than what two people make it. So if you find that it’s not what you expected, know that it doesn’t have to stay that way. The two of you together can do beautiful things.

Some people don’t see the point of marriage. They figure, if we love each other and want to live together and have kids, why do we need a piece of paper to prove it? To each his own, but to me, marriage is definitely a necessity. Outside of the religious obligations, it serves as a support for the couple. It lets them know that this relationship was prescribed for them by the Most High, and therefore should be preserved. Without marriage- that covenant made between yourselves and God- there isn’t necessarily a reason to make it work. Marriage gives you that reason. And what is any relationship without a beautiful reason for its existence?

Nadirah Angail