What would you want to know about someone in order to consider them for marriage?

Assalaamu alaikum,

As you may know by now, I am working on the development of nikaahLove, a Muslim Matrimonial Consulting Firm, focused on providing Muslims of all ages with assistance in preparing for marriage, finding a spouse, planning the wedding, and planning and maintaining a strong marital life. This is a program I have developed, but I have hired people who are happily married, masha Allah, and are qualified to be counselors to our clients.

The reason for my emailing you is a request. I would like to develop a study which has one simple question: What would you want to know about someone in order consider them for marriage?

This information can be gathered in groups with your friends. I ask you to please be serious about this, as this is what we will use as supplementary to the development of our application questionnaire for nikaahLove, Insha Allah. All of your answers will remain with me, and I will not share information about the contributor with anyone. Also, if possible, please ask your friends the same question to help in developing your list of questions. Jazakallahu khairun for all of your help. Take care of yourselves.

Wa alaikum assalaam,

--
Abu Suleiman Nadir Keval

Tags: couple, couples, getting married, man, marriage, married, men, nikaahlove, requirements, spouse

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Permalink Reply by Jameela Livingston on January 22, 2010 at 9:49pm: what bothers them, there goals and ambitions, how much they worship Allat swt,and what are their plans for the both of you...theres a lot more but inshaAllah when you get married you learn more and more about the person each day and you take it a step at a time..I got married last July 16th and since then me and my husband subhan-Allah get along fine and we take it one day at a time with Allah's grace, mercy and blesings..; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by F. J. Me on January 24, 2010 at 1:21pm: As Salam Alaikum Brother. May Allah reward you and your organization for bringing brothers and sisters together in an effort to help them successfully complete half of their religion.
I asked my partner (we met on-line at a muslim matrimonial website) this question as I had already answered it to myself. SubhanAllah we both had the same simple answer : Compatability (and for the woman also religion as required). Without it "compatability" all else will not matter. Similarities are not enough. Communication in one form another needs to take place on the same level. Find the one you are compatable with and you found a potential partner. You take it from there. This is the tool in which a loving and successful relationship can be had.
JazakAllah Kheir for all your efforts.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Naaisha Malika B on January 27, 2010 at 10:22am: ASA

These are not necessarily in a particular order.

1. Family Background
2. Islamic Spirituality and Development
3. Marriage compatibility and sustainability
4. Education and Career, and Future Goals
5. Income
6. Previously Married, if so how many times? Was therapy/Counseling done to move beyond past issues?
7. Number of years as a muslim
8, Sexual History-(gay/bi past) it needs to be disclosed. yes, it's invasive,but it's a make/break the deal for me.
9. Sexually Transmitted Diseases- Let's be REAL NOW not later..HIV/HERPES is everywhere
10. Children? How many desired/do you have? With whom do they reside with? Are you involved fully in their lives?
11. Community Involvement: How are you involved in building Islam?
12. Personality:Calm, High Stress, Energetic, Sarcastic, etc...
13. History of Anger/Violence Issues
14. Health? Illnesses, Conditions, Surgeries
15. Communication Style: Introverted or Extroverted?
16. Do you believe in Pre/Post Marital Counseling? some brotha's DON"T...that's a big problem
17. What path of Islam are you following: Sunni, Shi'a, Salafi, etc...Why?
18. Hajj: Been, or going soon
19. The Arts: Paint, Music, Dance, Recitation, etc. If not, why?
20. Are you polygamous? If so, why? If not, why?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Yashua Abdus-Salaam on January 27, 2010 at 4:58pm: alhamdulillah, i think u covered everything lol..

Naaisha Malika B said:
ASA

These are not necessarily in a particular order.

1. Family Background
2. Islamic Spirituality and Development
3. Marriage compatibility and sustainability
4. Education and Career, and Future Goals
5. Income
6. Previously Married, if so how many times? Was therapy/Counseling done to move beyond past issues?
7. Number of years as a muslim
8, Sexual History-(gay/bi past) it needs to be disclosed. yes, it's invasive,but it's a make/break the deal for me.
9. Sexually Transmitted Diseases- Let's be REAL NOW not later..HIV/HERPES is everywhere
10. Children? How many desired/do you have? With whom do they reside with? Are you involved fully in their lives?
11. Community Involvement: How are you involved in building Islam?
12. Personality:Calm, High Stress, Energetic, Sarcastic, etc...
13. History of Anger/Violence Issues
14. Health? Illnesses, Conditions, Surgeries
15. Communication Style: Introverted or Extroverted?
16. Do you believe in Pre/Post Marital Counseling? some brotha's DON"T...that's a big problem
17. What path of Islam are you following: Sunni, Shi'a, Salafi, etc...Why?
18. Hajj: Been, or going soon
19. The Arts: Paint, Music, Dance, Recitation, etc. If not, why?
20. Are you polygamous? If so, why? If not, why?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Nadir Keval: The Poet on January 27, 2010 at 5:19pm: Masha Allah, these are some beautiful answers! Jazakallahu khairun to everyone for their input! Please continue to forward this question to the brothers and sisters you know, whether married or not. The application form is developing well, by the will of Allah! Jazakallahu khairun once again!

Wa alaikum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

- Nadir; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kalimah Annisa A. Muhammad on January 27, 2010 at 8:45pm: Assalaamu Alaikum,

Wow, this list can go on and on...but for me the most important would be the person's mental status, financial and sexual background and substance abuse.

- Mental....has this person been sexually, mentally, or emotionally abused? This can heavily effect a marriage because this person may not know how to treat or accept their spouse although they want to be married. Do you have anti social disorder or borderline manic depressive?

- Finances....do you have debt and how much? One person's debt can effect the marriage in the future. This can effect the purchase of a home or any other major purchases.

- Sexual...what is your sexual background? Have you ever had or do you currently have a sexually transmitted disease or infection? WE HAVE TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!! People will conceal it because they don't want to appear to be a bad person and miss out on a potential life partner...but we have to ask and not be ashamed to ask. Life is real.

- Drugs....do you drink and/or do drugs. We may be muslim but people go through things and being muslim does not necessarily shield us from the world surrounding us. Of course a drunk or drug induced person can severely effect a marriage.

I can go on and on...but I think these factors are very important and should be considered when choosing a spouse in any way of life. May Allah guide you with what you are trying to accomplish.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Naaisha Malika B on January 28, 2010 at 6:00pm: ASA Khalimah, I forgot about the drugs and alcohol consumption. It's definitely important to know.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Missabdu22 on January 28, 2010 at 6:52pm: this is like a full background check! haha mashAllah you hit almost every point

-Missabdu

Naaisha Malika B said:
ASA

These are not necessarily in a particular order.

1. Family Background
2. Islamic Spirituality and Development
3. Marriage compatibility and sustainability
4. Education and Career, and Future Goals
5. Income
6. Previously Married, if so how many times? Was therapy/Counseling done to move beyond past issues?
7. Number of years as a muslim
8, Sexual History-(gay/bi past) it needs to be disclosed. yes, it's invasive,but it's a make/break the deal for me.
9. Sexually Transmitted Diseases- Let's be REAL NOW not later..HIV/HERPES is everywhere
10. Children? How many desired/do you have? With whom do they reside with? Are you involved fully in their lives?
11. Community Involvement: How are you involved in building Islam?
12. Personality:Calm, High Stress, Energetic, Sarcastic, etc...
13. History of Anger/Violence Issues
14. Health? Illnesses, Conditions, Surgeries
15. Communication Style: Introverted or Extroverted?
16. Do you believe in Pre/Post Marital Counseling? some brotha's DON"T...that's a big problem
17. What path of Islam are you following: Sunni, Shi'a, Salafi, etc...Why?
18. Hajj: Been, or going soon
19. The Arts: Paint, Music, Dance, Recitation, etc. If not, why?
20. Are you polygamous? If so, why? If not, why?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Nadhabee on January 28, 2010 at 7:04pm: These are great. I'd also add "expectations." What do you expect your wife to be like? What do you expect of yourself.? Can your wife work outside home? Can she chill with her friends, etc? Some men wanna keep you on lock down. Better know that BEFORE you get married.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Nash on January 29, 2010 at 12:10pm: For men its simple this is our list..

1.Sister are you crazy?

After this one question then all that is listed by sister Naaisha could be reversed for the woman
however all the answers would be positive if the sister answers yes to the Mans question number 1.

We then go on Question number 2.and the rest are only to be asked if question number 1 is No

2.Sister are you sure??

3. Positive

5. Wa Lah he??

6.Ok may Allah guide us.......yeah question 6 is a statement, we accept that your telling the truth and then we move forward.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Yahya Nav on January 29, 2010 at 12:56pm: 1. Character 2. Attitude 3. Way of living 4. Modesty 5. Compatibility...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Rachael Sila on February 15, 2010 at 5:00pm: How they are as a muslim. how strong his Iman is. (don't want a man who will just weigh you down in your faith)
he is meant to be the teacher, head of the household, provider.

I would look to see if he is financially able to support me. (don't need a man who wan't babies but cant afford to feed me)

Understand each other, mentally, emotionally.

Don't get a man who live's by coulture, coulture is dead! Religion is what keeps us alive.

a good listener! who let's you voice your opinions.. too many men are stuck on HIS WAY OR HE WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR IT. This only leads to divorce and heart ache for the childrens involved.; ▶ Reply to This